Vivaan slapped the CPU in frustration and struck the table with mouse in his desperate attempt to revive his computer again. The picture on the screen seemed to have broken into tens of pieces and intermittent blue lines had appeared on screen. Frustrated, Vivaan clapped the CPU from both sides and it worked. Again.
It had been more than an hour since Vivaan was surfing through Neha’s pictures over her Facebook profile. Draped in blue sari and a sleeveless deep neck blouse, her smile looked so vibrant and lively as if talking to Vivaan from his computer screen. Vivaan stretched his body over the chair, with the back of the chair pushed to the breaking limits, while his fingers locked at the back of his head. Staring at the picture, his eyes hadn’t blinked even once. He leaned forward and mindlessly clicked the mouse to go to the next picture – it was a glamorous black dress to the knee length with her long-untied hairs flowing over her shoulders to meet her dress as if they were a part of it. Her eyebrows were arched like a hook in mischief over her big blue eyes while she pouted like kissing the air. This time Vivaan further leaned forward, his elbows resting over the table and his face in between his palms.
His trance was broken by his phone vibrating on the top of the table. He was almost stunned to look at the screen – Neha calling. In a fraction of a second, a powerful dilemma had choked his brain.
Yes or No.
Yes or No.
Just before the call was going to die, his thumb as if automatically, swiped on the screen to the right.
‘Hi Vivaan!’ A voice blared to beat the background noise.
‘Hi Neha.’ Vivaan tried to balance his act.
‘You are coming, right?’ She was almost shouting.
‘I am neck deep in work. I can’t.’
‘I don’t know anything. If you won’t come, I will presume you are still not over me.’ Neha playfully stepped on Vivaan’s nerves, typical her. He was taken completely off guard. A hasty reply or a pause longer than usual could both give him away. He had to come up with a calculated reply and he had just a moment to comprehend everything.
‘Well who are you again?’ Vivaan joked while nervously trying not to overdo it. Phew. His twisting intestines were settling back now.
‘So lame. You are coming and that’s it. Okay, I need to leave now.’ Someone was speaking over her from the back, pushing her to drop the call.
‘I will try.’
‘Say yes.’
‘Neha….’
‘Say yes.’
‘Yes.’ Finally, he surrendered.
‘Good. See you then. Bye.’ Phone was disconnected.
A silence was looming inside the room, inside Vivaan. A silence that was farthest from peace. Vivaan ran his fingers into his long hairs pulling them back. Something was twitching in his face, a nerve, tip of his nose, his lips. Something that he knew well how to control. Vivaan fought back hard. It was the one thing he was best at, fighting his emotions, his tears. However, today the battle was fierce.
Neha was going away. Forever.
First time he felt this feeling was at the airport, when Neha was flying to pursue her MS from USA. The hardships of a long-distance relationship were about to begin and no matter how much they had discussed everything – the duration and timing of calls, holidays when they will meet next, and every other tiny detail to make them believe that the change was not too big, the emotional cracks had started to emerge on the surface for Neha. They were walking towards the entrance of the airport when it started with a tear, then second, and in no time, she was sobbing tightly holding his hand.
‘I can’t.’ She had said, drowning in the darkness of grief that had cloaked her heart. It seemed difficult to even breath.
‘You can Neha.’ Vivaan had calmly said, wiping her tears with his palms.
‘I just know, I can’t.’
‘This relationship can’t hold anyone of us back Neha. Its not us. This is the best opportunity you can get and you can’t throw it away. I won’t let you.’ Vivaan had known that it was the impulsive Neha talking.
‘I said, I ca….’ She had broken down into tears, hugging him so tight as if her life depended on the strength of her embrace. His shirt was wet with her tears, the eyes around were staring, but she wouldn’t let go. It wasn’t for another hour that she had, with so much reluctance, let his fingers slip from hers. Any more time would have made her to miss the flight. She had looked back one last time with her puffy eyes with tears continuously leaking out of them, before Vivaan lost her sight.
‘How is Philadelphia?’ Vivaan had asked.
‘Okay.’
‘You are angry with me.’ Vivaan had said.
‘Why would I be?’ Neha had plainly said.
‘You will enjoy there Neha, believe me.’
‘I know.’
‘Why don’t you just let it out already?’
‘There is nothing.’ She had bluntly said.
‘Well, if you say so. Anyway, I too am planning to move out in a one room kitchen set now. It would be so weird to leave this home after two years. Can’t believe it has been that….’ Vivaan would had continued but he was cut in between.
‘Do you really love me?’ Neha had blurted.
‘Hmmm……what do you think?’ Vivaan playfully mocked her as he knew finally the moment of revelation had arrived.
‘I don’t think as much as I do.’ Neha had said sharply.
‘You may be right.’ There was a long pause as Vivaan could hear her breathing loudly. This wasn’t time for jokes. ‘May be way more than that.’ He had finally spoken.
‘You don’t feel the pain as I do.’
‘Why would you say that?’
‘I didn’t see a single tear in your eyes since the time I had been planning to move to US.’
‘Tear??’ Vivaan was puzzled.
‘I had been crying every night. Even in the middle of the days I would lock myself up in the bathroom to just cry my eyes out and there has not been a single tear from you. How is it even possible?’
‘Tears make you weak to take the right decision. And what sort of ridiculous criterion is this? I didn’t cry means I don’t feel the pain as much as you do?’ Vivaan defended.
‘It is no criterion, but this pain didn’t let me sleep for weeks while you seemed more than fine. Even that evening on the airport, tell you what, its not possible to not shed a single tear if you were even half pained as I were.’ Neha had spoken in half accusing half pained voice of hers.
‘Or it could be just that I am a bit more mature.’ Irritated, Vivaan had retaliated that evening for the first time. He didn’t find it justified to defend his pain or his commitment to the relationship.
‘What do you mean?’ She hissed.
‘I meant nothing.’ Vivaan had whispered to which the silence had followed.
‘Why didn’t you stop me even once?’ Finally, Neha had spoken in her wounded voice, breaking that long silence.
‘This is MS from US we are talking about Neha. Why would I ever stop you from fulfilling your potential.’
‘We are talking about us. A separation of three years.’
‘There will always be us. Can you say that for this opportunity?’
Another long silence had followed.
‘So, you never cried. Not even one tear.’ Her voice had finally sounded about right.
‘If I will say I cried, you will feel happy right? What kind of narcissist girlfriend I have got God?’ Vivaan playfully shouted at the phone. The heaviness from their hearts that had clouded them for days now had finally been lifted. They were laughing and teasing again.
While moving back and forth in his chair, Vivaan was looking at the first photograph of Neha from the US land. It was clicked after four months since she had reached USA. She had finally agreed to go out with her friends over there. That yellow floral tank top revealing her belly button with those pair of blue jeans – he remembered, how much he had missed Neha that day. He clicked the next one. It was outside the Google office, her first job after she had completed her MS. She was shining in a grey colored blazer, silky white blouse, and a knee length skirt but the smile she was wearing felt ethereal. After finishing her MS, she hadn’t spent another day in US and had taken the first flight to India. She had topped her batch and the best jobs in US had been lined up for her and yet she wasn’t willing to spend another day away from Vivaan.
They had moved in together again and she had got a job in Google within a week. Her salary, five times of Vivaan. Both of them couldn’t have been happy. It was old life back with more money in the account. It was hard to believe that Neha, who could count the number of times she had hung out in a country like USA on her fingertips during her three years of stay, was ready to go out almost every night now. Both of them were having a ball. Everything was great, until that evening, when Vivaan dropped that bomb on her.
‘I am going to UK for onsite.’ He had finally spoken, breaking the long suspense. Neha searched his face for that mischievous smile that would follow after his silly jokes. None.
‘You serious?’ She had finally spoken to confirm, to which he had calmly nodded.
‘Last chance if this a joke?’ Neha playfully warned him, still unable to believe. Vivaan slowly showed his phone to Neha. There was an official mail corroborating what Vivaan had just said.
‘But we moved in together just four months ago.’ Neha murmured in her tranced state. ‘Tell me it’s a lie. Please.’ She had desperately pleaded.
‘Neha, I didn’t stop you from going to USA. Now I need you to support me.’
‘How can you plan this without asking me?’
‘The things have been planned yesterday only. Someone was fired at the onsite and a position was created.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me yesterday then?’ Neha mindlessly argued, almost shouting.
‘What would have changed Neha?’
‘How could you plan this?’ A mix of pain and anger was making Neha’s face glimmer in red.
‘It is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I can’t let it go.’
‘What about us?’ She desperately tried to balance her voice.
‘Its us Neha. We are together. But this is the opportunity we can’t miss, FOR US only.’ He sensed a bit of frustration developing inside him on her lack of understanding.
‘What opportunity are you talking about? Why every opportunity is good enough to separate us?’ Tears forming inside her eyes had made them blurry, but she was holding them back with all the determination.
‘Why do you want to start a life where we are not ready?’
‘There will always be something better. When would you know to stop?’
‘When I will feel it from inside.’ Vivaan’s voice had turned louder without him realizing it.
‘If we can’t make each other feel that way already, then what are we doing together?’
It was the first time one of them had questioned their relationship. On the surface it seemed like another one of their arguments but deep within a crack had appeared just like the ones that appear on a frozen lake, too small to even notice, but big enough for the water to seep in and slowly weaken the whole surface. Neha had cried for the whole night. It was hard to believe that after years of wait her happiness was going to be so short lived and that too because of Vivaan.
Vivaan had left for UK by the end of that month. For months, she felt she had no control over her tears. It would come rolling out while having lunch in the office or while working or while she was lonely in the home staring blankly outside from the window. Vivaan would always try to calm her over the phone and most of the times he was successful as well. Afterall, it was easier to wipe someone else’s tears when you don’t have your own. Might be in his heart he had the faith seeded deep within that Neha and himself were meant to be together, no matter what, just like he had faith on his next breath, no matter what, it would be there. But humans often forget that their faith on the next breath arises from their weakness to take the special things for granted. Such faith is bound to be broken with the last breath. Suddenly and forever.
It didn’t happen quickly for Neha and Vivaan.
Overpowered by her sorrows, one fine day Neha decided to come out of her sorry state of self-pity. She had to take back the control of her tears. Feeling pain among the strangers could only bring humiliation or sympathy at best. She was tired of both. Other than loving Vivaan, she was a natural with her job. So, she buried herself in work. It started with overtime, got extended to the weekends but soon the relief in not picking Vivaan’s calls because of work was such that soon it overpowered the pain of disconnecting the calls. Vivaan was busy himself but Neha didn’t have time anymore. It was always some deadline or a meeting or some work that was needed to be finished before she could talk. Her obsession to keep herself busy to stop her mind from wandering into the wilderness of pain turned out into remarkable dedication towards work in front of her management. She was a smart one and soon everybody could see that including herself. Vivaan had been the center of her life and she was the center of his. For the first time she was looking beyond Vivaan and she was shining so bright that soon she could feel too many eyes looking at her in admiration.
Vivaan was considered to be the strong one in that relationship but soon he realized that his strength was borrowed from Neha. He could feel the distance hurting him slowly. She would pick his call to drop it in less than a minute. He had been craving for that one long conversation that could make him believe that it was actually the work taking her away. But that call never happened rather she would now disconnect the calls without even saying hello. When Vivaan got convinced that Neha was moving farther away from him and his relationship was in jeopardy, all he could think of was about packing his bags and to leave for India already. His unshakeable faith had moved.
But he was completely stuck in his work and wasn’t allowed to leave before that big presentation with the client. The presentation was after a month. It seemed impossible to stay for another month with such growing indifference within Neha. He had been writing mails, calling her, waiting for her to tell him that it was the work indeed, but she was just busy always. He had pleaded his boss to let him return but his boss had reminded him of his desperation to come to onsite and how important that presentation was with the client, not just for him but the whole business. He had strictly told him to behave professionally and not let him down in that presentation.
Vivaan clicked the mouse on the screen but the screen didn’t move. Irritated from within, he moved the mouse haphazardly over the pad but Neha’s photo in those grey formals didn’t budge. A desperation was mounting within, he wanted to see the next pic of Neha but the screen had again broken into pieces. With nothing going his way he violently flicked the mouse away. The screen moved. It was the next photograph of Neha. She was standing on the edge of a cliff with arms opened wide in air. Her hairs were flying in wind.
The caption read – ‘I am free.’ Vivaan knew what she had meant.
He could still remember the night before that photo was posted. His ears felt like ringing when Neha had told him that it was over. He had to sit down to avoid falling down as suddenly his knees had felt too weak.
‘What are you saying?’ He had said.
‘This has been a one-sided relationship Vivaan. I just can’t do this anymore.’
‘What do you mean one-sided?’
‘The love has been one sided. The pain has been one-sided. The tears have been one-sided.’ Neha was speaking like a robot, determined to fulfil the command.
‘How can you say that?’
‘I am saying what I have felt.’
‘I will come back to India next month. I promise.’
‘I don’t want that Vivaan. I just don’t feel it anymore.’
‘How can everything change overnight?’ Vivaan had whispered, cluelessly looking at that translucent door at the end of that hallway he was sitting in. He was supposed to enter that door but it seemed to get smaller and farther.
‘Not overnight. And I think you know it.’
‘I don’t. You and me separating, I really don’t know it. I will make things right Neha, I promise you. I am so sorry for letting you go, and then me leaving, I just wanted…’ Vivaan had desperately attempted when Neha cut him in between.
‘Its not about you anymore Vivaan. I just happen to know myself now. I am better off without this relationship.’ The voice hadn’t wavered even a bit. He could listen to her breathes
‘I am not good enough for you.’ Vivaan had finally spoken before taking a long pause again. She remained silent which did hurt him further. He was scrambling for words to say to Neha, something that could stop her, but somehow it felt impossible. With the same Neha he had discussed his deepest emotions and his tiniest events from the day, yet the words were failing him now. ‘You couldn’t be more honest, and I couldn’t be more wrong if I try stopping you now.’
The silence resumed. He could hear Neha thinking on the other side.
‘What is it?’ He finally asked.
‘Why, what?’ Neha was taken by surprise, for the first time sounding not so confident that evening. Vivaan didn’t respond.
‘Did you ever cry? Even once, even if it’s just a tear.’ Neha finally asked.
‘Tears make you weak to take the right decision. So, no.’ Somehow the question seemed decisive from Neha’s side and Vivaan chose to restore his self-respect somewhat.
‘Me neither.’ Those were the last words from Neha.
Years of bonding and tens of vows had been broken with the drop of that call that evening. Vivaan had sat aghast at his spot, trying hard to believe what had just happened. He was looking at that translucent door on the other side of which stood the board of directors waiting for him to make his life’s most important presentation. His parched throat and heavy foot told him otherwise. But it was his big break in a career that had not been fair to his efforts till then. He tried to drag himself but it felt impossible. He would always remember that how one of his colleagues who had come looking for him, had to pull him by his arm. But nobody could make him speak that day. He had stood like a statue, his ears ringing like a bullet had been fired next to them. He had screwed his best opportunity in the worst way possible. After that presentation it wasn’t really that hard to return to India and he was just lucky to keep his job. He never tried to contact Neha after he had returned.
He missed her badly but trying to convince her to come back didn’t feel right. Love should never be about convincing but feelings only. The hardships of a broken heart are unimaginable, but a man can live with a tiniest hope in love. He expected her to return to him. His love was true and his mistakes were pardonable. He clung to that hope with all his might because it seemed the only way to continue.
But you can walk a few miles thirsty in sand, but you can’t cross a desert just with delusions of water. Vivaan’s delusion was shattered by the news of Neha’s marriage. Six months were all that she had taken to turn his world upside down. It was her boss, a guy good enough for someone so talented like Neha. All along the day he had not stopped wondering whether it was the distance of geographies or the intellects that had finally driven them away. Maybe she was destined for stars and maybe he was holding her back and maybe the distance had cleared her head. There were so many ‘maybe-es’ and now that he had all the time off from that relationship, he just pondered on all of them repeatedly.
Tomorrow was her wedding and he did not know what else to do but to look at her pics over facebook, when she called him out of nowhere. She had sent her wedding invitation to him over whatsapp but he was never planning to go over there. But her voice had stirred the volcanoes of emotions suppressed inside him. The lava of memories was burning him from within. He had to have one answer to live with for the rest of his life. All those photos were just bringing more pain, more resolve to have that answer – how could she move on so easily?
He dialed her number. But all his resolve melted the next moment. What could she possibly say to not make him feel more terrible about himself? He had lost the love, at least he should save his self-respect while he still could. In one tiny moment, smoke of uncertainty had grown so thick around him that he had to disconnect the call quickly to breathe again. He was sure that he had disconnected before her phone had rung.
For another hour he continued watching her pictures over his computer as he had no clue on what else to do. Whenever the computer would hang, he would feel like breaking it but somehow he kept himself from bursting out.
He would have continued doing so for indefinite time that night but a skype call from Neha yanked him from his sorry state. It was a video call. Voice call was fine but Video call? Why was she calling him just a day before her wedding? Did she want to check on him if he was doing okay? Did she want to say the last goodbye? Was she missing him? A desperate heart could fill your head with hundreds of ideas. Vivaan tried to compose himself and shook his head to clear his mind. All he had was a broken heart right now, a broken self- respect would be too heavy to bear. He had to get hold of his feelings.
Finally, he clicked the green button and Neha’s face filled his screen. Disheveled hairs, a sparkly deep cleavage dress, mascara smeared at the bottom of her eyes due to sweat, she seemed to have just returned from outside, may be from some night club or discotheque.
‘Hey!’ She was drunk.
‘Hi!’ Vivaan replied with a plain face.
‘You called me?’ Neha asked.
Damn. So, the call had went through. Damn again.
‘Yeah, I just wanted to tell you that I won’t be able to make it tomorrow.’ He blurted out as the words came in instinctively.
‘You know what? I don’t care. Come, don’t come, whatever.’ Neha ran her fingers through her scattered hairs, pulling them back tightly while demeaning sarcastic smile played on her lips.
‘You are drunk Neha. Maybe we should talk tomorrow. Take some rest.’
She leaned forward looking closely in his eyes from the screen, the moment lingered and then she finally whispered, ‘I am getting married tomorrow.’
Vivaan felt like somebody had poured hot water on his bare heart. Yet, he kept a plain face. He had to.
‘I know.’ He said in a low voice with the slightest of nods. His eyes matching hers, without blinking.
‘You know, good…’ Neha was abruptly bidding adieu when the screen froze for Vivaan. His computer had ditched him again.
‘Neha. Neha.’ He vigorously moved the mouse but to no avail. He slapped his CPU wildly, but he very well knew, the last call with Neha was over. He didn’t even get to say goodbye. NO GOODBYE. Suddenly he was feeling some unbearable pain inside. Him saying goodbye wouldn’t have made any difference but yet it felt as if it was the hint from some higher power that he was destined for that incompleteness in his life. He leaned back in his chair, looking at his frozen blurred screen with a lot of lines over the static face of Neha.
She was gone forever.
A tear without seeking his permission rolled out of his left eye. Then another one from his right eye. Before even a few moments could pass, his face was wet with tears flowing unchecked from his eyes. In no time, he was wailing like a child with his face covered in his palms.
‘Vivaan!’
Neha’s voice surprised him completely. From his vision blurred due to the tears, he looked at the screen. Neha was looking at him. Was it an illusion?
‘So, you do have a tear duct?’
His stupid computer was working again and apparently Neha had never disconnected.
‘This is nothing. Tears make you..’ He was quickly rubbing his eyes and cheeks to wipe the tears off.
‘Tears make you weak to take the right decision.’ She mocked him. He gave back a pained smile. A moment’s silence pursued.
‘Are you happy?’ Vivaan finally broke the silence.
‘Yes. I am happy. He loves me.’
‘Do you love him?’
She gave him a hard stare as if saying how dare he could ask that question to her.
Another silence pursued as Vivaan finally dared to look back into her eyes. There was a spark.
‘I am sorry.’ He said.
‘Yeah.’ She smiled and without her consent, tears formed inside her eyes too which she quickly wiped with the edge of her palms. ‘I am just glad to know that you feel the same pain.’
‘I don’t feel the same pain Neha,’ He spoke with dead seriousness with his eyes looking right into her, ‘I feel lot more than you do.’
‘Even if I believe you for a moment, why would you make us live that pain time and again?’ Neha seemed to struggle with her words.
‘For you.’
‘What do you mean?’ She whispered.
‘You are such a talent Neha. I had no right to stop you from reaching what you deserve.’
‘Then why did you go to UK?’
‘For you Neha. I knew I would never be at par with you, but I just didn’t want to fall so much behind that I could barely see you. I wanted to make myself worthy of you.’ Tears were continuously flowing from Vivaan’s eyes.
‘I didn’t need that. I just wanted to be with you.’ Neha could feel a mix of anger and emotions building inside her.
‘I know and I am sorry. It’s hard for you to understand because you are the more succesful one in our relationship but just believe me that the separation wasn’t easy for me too.’
‘Yeah, it was so difficult that you didn’t shed a tear.’
‘I did.’ Vivaan’s chin was quivering as the emotions were getting better of him now. ‘When you were leaving for USA, I had stood where you had left me on the airport for so long, crying like a child and standing at the door pleading God to send you back to me because then it wouldn’t have been me who had stopped you.’
Neha was stumped, silently listening to his every word.
‘In UK, I couldn’t stop hating myself for separating us again. I couldn’t remember one night when your memory didn’t wet my eyes. I just wanted to finish the project and return to you forever.’ Vivaan was sobbing, confessing everything with a childlike innocence. If Neha had to leave him, she should do it with the complete truth at her side.
‘I just never wanted to be your weakness and I wanted to stand with you with my own dignity in place. I know I went too far but if I would have ever known that I would lose you forever, I wouldn’t have pushed it this much.’ His tears were true, so was his love. Neha stared hard at him as if trying to believe what he had just said. Finally, she spoke.
‘I was with him tonight in Club Imperial. When you called me or gave me a missed call or whatever, I tried to call you back, but my phone died. You know how much time it takes to reach from Club Imperial to my home?’
Vivaan jerked his head in denial.
‘One hour.’
‘I asked for my fiance’s phone to call you but when he said it was a bad idea, I left him there and rushed back home because for the first time you had called me since we have broken up.’ Neha had to bite her lips time and again to control herself from surrendering before her emotions. Vivaan was looking at her with a childlike innocence.
‘I wanted to talk to you, I wanted you to stop me.’ She sighed with her words draped in sadness. ‘All I ever wanted was to know that this separation was equally hard for you. But you were so good in hiding your pain that I had almost believed that you didn’t love me.’ She paused to gather her emotions. ‘Thanks to tonight that I know, how wrong I were. I want to tell you something, my talent is nothing, I am nothing, it was your love that made me so happy. And when it’s not there, I feel so hollow and I feel…I feel like just another ordinary person who is just a part of this rat race. I don’t want to be an ordinary person Vivaan.’ Neha whimpered. ‘I want what we always had.’
‘I want that too Neha. I miss us so much. I don’t know what to do anymore.’ Words were coming so easy from Vivaan as he felt a rush to tell her everything.
‘But you have to promise me, no more separations and no more tears in secret.’
‘What are you saying Neha?’ Vivaan spoke with uncertainty as he tried to believe what he was hearing. Inside, he felt his heart taking a big leap to cling to that string of hope that Neha had just tossed his way.
‘You have to promise me now.’ Desperation was overwhelming in her voice.
‘I promise Neha. I promise on my life. But so that I am clear,’ there was a big push and pull within him to ask or not to ask that question, but he gathered the courage to ask it anyway, ‘Are you saying, what I think you are saying, are you coming back to me?’
His heart pounded violently as Neha paused for a moment to look at him.
‘You won’t change, would you? But I will spell it out for you, yes, I want to give us another chance.’
‘But what about….what about your fiancé?’
She sighed slowly, letting her irritation vent out with her breath. Next moment a mischievous smile played on her lips.
‘Screw him. Anyway, he cries a lot.’ Typical Neha.
Both of them broke into laughter that continued mingled with tears of joy that never stopped streaming from their eyes. Finally, their laughter stopped, and their eyes embraced each other the way they had known since they had fallen in love.
‘Was it this simple?’ Vivaan ecstatically asked.
‘It was always simple between you and me until we complicated it. I love….’
Suddenly the screen went static again.
‘No..No..No.’ Vivaan moved the mouse but the computer had hung up again. But this time instead of beating the poor machine, he smiled at the screen and said, ’I love you too Neha. I am coming.’
He picked up the keys, locked the door, and dashed towards the parking.