Spring is like a smile for the Northern India which remains dreamy for months from hosting the freezing winters. The weather is cold enough to look into the sun’s eyes and warm enough to shed those multiple layers of woolen skin. Winter retreats while the summer is still at bay – paradise. Especially in the month of March, nature and humans finally are in a good place before summer gatecrashes the party. Yet, there is a large group of people in Indian society who hate spring – we call them students, especially the ones going to school. Somehow the ones who wrote the rules for school education chose to screw up the most amazing season for the school goers by keeping the month of March for the final exams. It is even more screwed up for the ones who are appearing for the senior secondary exams or as most people call it, the board exams. Cold feet and
sweaty palms are too common with students appearing for board exams, but it has nothing to do with the weather. For these students, the warm sunlight is nothing more than the yellow bulb glaring in a torture room and the prying eyes of neighbors carry more heat than the sun on any hot Indian summer day.
Raghav was a rare case though; he could enjoy the spring more than anyone else in his class. The society had judged him a winner already just waiting for the future to drop the best in his lap.
Raghav had arrived in his school early, Gurukul Vidya Mandir, a couple of hours before his senior secondary board exam was going to start as he planned to revise the last few topics from his Chemistry notes. His lean body was concealed beneath his oversized blazer, an extra layer of caution, as he sat in the corner of the class quickly going through the pages of his notes. Nobody was there in school yet and he felt happy looking at his plan working. Sitting in the class, he looked around to realize that a couple of hours from now, he would have the Chemistry question paper in his hands. Chemistry question paper. Suddenly the reality dawned at him as his palms turned sweaty and his head went numb. He consciously tried to fight his thoughts from wandering off from his notes, but it seemed impossible to even look at his notes anymore as his breathing turned heavy. He drew his inhaler and after shaking it for a moment sucked the dose from the inhaler inside his mouth.
I am prepared, I am the best, I can do it. He reaffirmed for next few moments to calm his nerves. Finally, he could see the words scribbled in his notes. He began scrambling through the lines again. But not another minute had passed when he heard some noise outside. He wasn’t expecting company. Damn.
Raghav knew what that meant, people coming to him and asking their doubts. He wasn’t the most popular student in the school just because he was the best in academics but because he was too polite to say no to anyone. His eyes shuttled between the pages left for the revision and then at the door. He quickly picked up his bag and left the class skulking through the corridor to avoid the intruders, quickly ascending the stairs to the second floor. Unfortunately, all the classrooms were locked as the whole school had been given days off when the school had to host the board exams. After looking around for a minute, he took the stairs to the third floor. He was sure that nobody would come to the third floor as it was just a junkyard. However, he didn’t want to take any chances today and thus, being extra cautious he locked himself inside one of the washrooms, closed the lid on the toilet seat and sat there quickly turning the pages. It took him an hour to finish those last few topics as he finally read the last line aloud before closing his notes. Phew, fifth revision just done an hour before the exam, close call. He sighed.
Show time.
Raghav tried to unbolt the door. It didn’t budge. He pulled it harder this time. No avail. Suddenly a wave of panic ran through his spine. He breathed out slowly to calm himself down. You can do it. He stood next to the door opposite to the side of the bolt, put a foot on the wall next to the bolt and using all his body weight he tried to pull the bolt with all his might and continued to do so until his fingers started paining. He had to give up at last. Pearls of sweat had started forming at his hairline. He looked closely at the bolt, it was bent, rustic, and seemed a bit out of shape. Thinking the worst, Raghav’s heart was now pounding hard against his chest. It was unbelievable for him how he had got himself into that situation.
Come on.
He tried again and again but the bolt was too stubborn to move. There were just twenty minutes left for the exam to begin. Tears had begun rolling out of Raghav’s eyes as he would try to pull the bolt and then would shake the door in frustration every other moment, neither of which would help him. His frantic cries wouldn’t travel beyond that junkyard, no matter how hard he screamed. He looked at his watch, fifteen minutes remained until the exam.
Suddenly he heard a sound. He froze to strain his ears against the door and to ensure that his scared to death mind wasn’t pulling any tricks on him. No, definitely somebody had stepped into the toilet. His joy knew no bound as a wave of relief traversed across his body. He would be saved.
————————————–
It was the month of December; a thick layer of fog had engulfed the whole city of Patiala. Outside, eyes couldn’t see anything beyond a hand’s distance. Winter was chilling the bones and layers of clothes were the only protection. Sun had been missing for days now. Even when there wasn’t anything to be seen outside other than a dense layer of fog, Akash stared into the abyss as if expecting some magical creature to appear out of it. He wiped off the mist formed over the window with the stretched arm of his gray sweater of his school dress to get a better view outside. The teacher’s voice was playing in the background as a fuzzy sound, meaningless to Akash, as he cowered behind the back of the student sitting in front of him. It was the third time when Akash finally heard Anita Nagpal, his mathematics teacher, calling his name. By the time he realized that everybody was looking at him giggling, Anita Nagpal had reached his seat already.
‘Something more interesting going out there.’ Anita Nagpal croaked in her manly voice. She wore her unofficial title of being the meanest teacher in the school with pride.
‘Umm mam….no.’ Akash’s mind surprisingly slowed down, betraying him to come up with words.
‘Twenty-one marks. Half yearly, first pre-board, and now second pre-board, you have completed the hattrick of failing in mathematics this year. Such consistency.’
‘Mam…’ By that time Akash’s mind was up to speed but he knew playing dumb was the only trick to avoid a stinging slap which he was expecting any moment now.
‘You know why you are the best duffer in the class? You are the only one who has failed this exam.’
Akash faked his shame by staring at the ground with one eye at the hand of Anita Nagpal. He knew, any moment now he would have to dodge that heavy hand of her. He could hear a few suppressed giggles in the class but that was something he had got used to in all those years of school.
‘Don’t pretend you are feeling bad, you donkey.’ Anita Nagpal bellowed.
More giggles in the class but Akash couldn’t care less. Getting slapped by Anita Nagpal in that chilling cold could really hurt. He was praying desperately in his heart that for a change she would leave him alone with insults only. Every moment his hopes were getting stronger.
‘You are the most pathetic case. Completely hopeless.’ With that, Anita Nagpal threw Akash’s answer sheet on his face. ‘Take it to your proud parents who are wasting their money on you.’
Phew. Narrow escape.
‘Just because you look like a human you are in a school, if there was a way to check the brain, you would be in a stable with donkeys.’ That seemed to be her final remark to which the class laughed out loudly. Akash was just counting his blessings to have escaped a definite beating. The laughter in the classroom was about to die when Akash, while sitting down, happened to look at his right. Raghav was smiling at him. In a flash, Akash could feel his head heating up with a sudden rush of blood channeled towards the top of his head. It felt that hundreds of needles were going to pierce his head from inside. He forgot that he was about to thank God and become invisible again to Anita Nagpal for the rest of the lecture.
‘Mind your words mam.’ He shot.
Anita Nagpal who was walking away from him, turned back. ‘What?’ She thundered, a little shocked herself. Her bulky round body seemed to be paused for a moment as if accumulating momentum to start rolling towards Akash. The class was stunned with a pin drop silence inside the classroom. Nobody could understand what had got into Akash suddenly.
‘You can’t say this to me. I did my best and you have failed me for that. But you don’t need to give your comments on my parents or me.’ Akash looked at her with a stubborn defiance. Next moment, Anita Nagpal looked like a boulder rolling towards Akash to crush him. For the next few minutes, the slaps and punches echoed in the class as the students watched Akash being beaten up like a blanket taken out from the storage at the beginning of every winter which is thrashed to get the dust out. For a boy of his age Akash had a strong built and a tall height, something that had helped him survive all those beatings by the teachers over the years. While Anita Nagpal was hell bent to teach him a lesson for his dare, he flinched in pain but never moved from his place. When the lecture was over and Anita Nagpal finally gave up and left with a bartered ego, Akash too stormed out of the class like a warrior, beaten but not broken. Raghav couldn’t help but notice Akash’s piercing glance at him on his way outside. Raghav retracted his eyes to look at the ground. For the next few minutes whispers were all that could be heard everywhere in the classroom which still echoed with slaps and punches. After few minutes students started coming to Raghav’s seat asking him to show them his mathematics answer sheet as he had consecutively scored hundred out of hundred in the second pre-board. Nobody could tell that his usual smile was missing from his face.
Akash didn’t know where he was going as he mindlessly stomped through the corridor passing a sea of students. He wanted to be alone, but it was recess time. He climbed the stairs to the second floor; it was no different than the first floor with students roaming everywhere. He further climbed the stairs to the third floor where there was a huge junkyard full of broken furniture and a boy’s washroom. The junkyard had a door at the back that opened towards the terrace. A huge lock hung at that door. It was a damp floor full of spider webs where hardly anyone came. However, for Akash who was hurting with physical and mental pain, trying desperately to find some isolation to vent the cloud of emotions inside him, it was the perfect hideout. Akash crashed into one of the washrooms inside the boys’ toilet. He slammed the door shut and bolted it from inside, put the lid on the toilet seat and sat over it holding his head in between his hands. Emotions were knocking strongly from inside, tears were crashing like waves against the dam of his eyes, but he was hell bent to not let himself feel weak. His cheeks were stinging with the flurry of slaps, his back was hurting from all the elbows and punches, but nothing was more hurtful than that mental image that was impossible to get out of his head – Raghav taunting him with his smile. How could he? How dare he? He stood up and kicked the metal bolt with all his might. ‘BASTARD.’ He kicked it again and again and again. It was a few more
minutes of yelling and many more kicks before he could feel his temper dropping slowly. Yelling and kicking had helped him from imploding. The recess was almost over. He closed his eyes for few moments and took few long breaths. He finally felt ready to go back to the classroom. As he tried to unbolt the door, he couldn’t. He used more force trying to pull the metal knob to unbolt the door, but it wouldn’t budge.
What a day?
He noticed that all
his kicking had bent the bolt out of shape. He started pulling it frantically, but it was stuck. He breathed slowly a few times to calm his nerves and then
again started pulling that bolt again. It felt as if it was welded like that. He screamed for help but all in vain. He soon realized that screaming wasn’t
going to help him. So, he started pulling the bolt again, with a lot more force and desperation this time. His sweaty hands slipped a few times, getting hurt from the metal. After struggling for a long time, he felt that the bolt moved somewhat. He wasn’t sure whether his desperate mind was pulling tricks on him, or it had actually moved. But he had no choice but to continue. Using his strong arms, he would try moving that bolt, sit down exhausted and then would try again. Finally, he could feel that the bolt moved again, this time to some significant length. The traumatic experience continued for many more minutes. He had used up almost all his strength when finally, the bolt gave away. He was covered in sweat and could hear his heart hammering inside his chest when he broke his way out. He thought he had heard the full-time bell of the school go, a long time ago, and when he broke out of that washroom, there was not even a single person left in the school. He had never felt so scared in his life and the relief that befell was unimaginable.
He dashed to his classroom, picked up his bag and started cycling hard towards his house. By the time he had reached home, it was well past school hours. He found his father sitting on the couch watching television while his mother sitting close by on a dewan, busy over her mobile phone.
‘Where were you? The school got over hours ago.’ Radha, Akash’s mother asked as Akash tried to sneak to his room. Akash’s dad glanced long enough to let him know that he too was interested in his answer.
He thought of making an excuse but somehow felt telling the truth for a change, ‘I got stuck in a washroom inside school.’
‘Really? That’s a new one.’ Harsh, Akash’s father scoffed. Radha frowned upon Harsh.
‘I am telling the truth. But I know you won’t believe me.’ Akash felt anger rising inside his guts. Harsh stared hard at him.
‘What happened beta?’ Radha spoke with concern.
‘Are your exam results out?’ Harsh ignored his wife’s words as his voice dominated the room. He had now completely turned towards Akash to face him while switching off the television. Akash knew what that meant. He was exhausted and in pain, but he was determined to not let another person who loved to belittle him have the satisfaction of seeing his pain.
‘No.’ He stubbornly said.
‘What about mathematics result?’ He glared harder at him.
‘No.’
‘You mean to say, you are not the only person in your class who has failed the mathematics exam.’ Harsh angrily said.
‘What?’ Radha quizzically looked at Akash. Akash broke eye contact with his father and looked away.
‘And then he says that we should believe him.’ Harsh looked at Radha. Akash mindlessly continued looking away in the direction of a painting of a boat sailing into the horizon. He had a daily practice of tip toeing around his father and once in a while when got caught, just to pretend to listen. Today, it was a difficult day, and he could have lived without the scolding, but somehow, he didn’t care anymore.
‘Failure in studies, lying all the time, such arrogant behavior, he is just wasting his life. Mark my words, he is going to repeat this class and I am not going to waste my money on his college to make him a pushover. The best I could do is find him a job as a daily wager or a waiter. Anyway, he is going to end up doing such menial jobs so why waste money on his education which he anyway runs away from.’ Harsh continued with his banter. Akash stood stubbornly looking at the vivid colors of that paining, holding back his urge to respond. He knew that for how long that scolding would go on and saying anything would just prolong his ordeal. He stood there indifferently.
’Can you imagine that he and Raghav were such close friends, all the time together, he used to be good at studies then. But now just look at Raghav, the topper in the class, so sincere, so intelligent, and here is our prince Akash who is going in reverse, from intelligent, to average, to the worst student in the class. You are an idiot for breaking up the friendship with him.’ Harsh lambasted his son.
Akash felt his pulse rising again, a flurry of words inside his head seemed to be making a dash to find his voice, something he knew would put him in a lot of trouble.
‘I have a headache.’ He could whisper before he strode to his room.
‘See his attitude. My bad beta that I think parting ways from Raghav has been bad for you. A loser like you would have dragged anybody down so Raghav must have knowingly parted ways with you. See what wonders it has done for him.’
Akash heard the last words of his father which stung him deep inside, but using every last bit of his will power, he stopped himself from turning back. As he shut the door of his room behind his back, his hand wildly swung in the air knocking off the pen-stand from his study table as the pens flew all over the room. He could feel a nerve popping in his temple as he continued standing cluelessly in the middle of the room, breathing quickly. It took some time for his blank mind to start thinking again. He slowly walked towards his window and removed the curtain just a bit to peek through his window. He saw Raghav sitting in his chair next to his study table, studying, like always. Akash knew that he would find Raghav sitting in that chair even if he checked after five hours. It was as if he was glued to his seat and his books. But that wasn’t always the case, just a few years ago people used to say that Akash and Raghav were glued to each other. You find one, you will find the other. They would go to the school together, sit on the same bench, after school do the homework together, play in the evening together, they were almost inseparable since they had been kids. Akash’s parents had their ancestral home in Patiala, but Raghav’s parents had moved in later in their neighborhood. Radha, Akash’s mother had gone to welcome their new neighbors with some gajar ka hlawa one afternoon. It was the first time Akash, who had accompanied her mother that day met Raghav and the two four years old kids hit it off from the word go. After that they would find excuses to go to each other’s places and if somehow their parents didn’t allow, they gradually learnt to slip through their windows and to cross the fence between their houses to sneak into each other’s rooms. They learnt almost everything together, riding a bicycle, playing video games, playing cricket, swimming. Akash was the more mischievous one with a greater outgoing spirit while Raghav had always been a bit more mature for his age and a homely boy. But they had such an understanding that Raghav would always partner Akash in his mischiefs while keeping a check on the limits, and Akash would always listen to Raghav for studies and homework. Even their parents could see the bonding both shared. They were best friends who understood each other or at least they thought so.
In relationships it’s hard to tell that exact incidence when the things started to go bad because usually the resentments and fights pile up with time, but Akash could point out the day when everything had changed between both of them. Once playing in the field, Raghav had fainted and had to be taken to the hospital. The doctors had told him that he had developed a severe asthma condition and he must avoid physical activities that could tire him. They gave him an inhaler that he was supposed to always keep with himself as his breathlessness if not handled in time could be dangerous. Raghav had to stop going out. Akash tried to spend more time with Raghav at home, but his outgoing nature prodded him to go outside and play sports. Akash would encourage Raghav to accompany him even if he wasn’t supposed to play. But it was too hurtful for Raghav just looking at others playing while he just sat and cheered. It reminded him of what he was going to miss for the rest of his life. He didn’t want to go to the playground just to watch others and he didn’t want to be an anchor tied to Akash either. He hated to see Akash sitting with him in the room when he knew his heart was outside somewhere in the playground. Raghav started making excuses, began drowning himself in the studies, sometimes even avoiding Akash. Rare is for people to find meaningful relationships in life, rarer is for the people to survive the test of times to keep those relationships breathing, and rarest is for the people to weave life through the threads of such soul warming relationships. The tender hearts of two kids couldn’t tackle the complications that life had thrown at them. Akash wanted to be with Raghav, but he could never tell the reason for his sudden change in behavior. As Raghav buried himself under the books, Akash felt that Raghav was picking studies over him. Akash was hurt and clueless. The lighthouse from Akash’s life went missing making his life’s ship drift away from the shore on the tides of resentment. For the first time in his life, his vivacious nature was without the guidance of Raghav, and he was without Raghav’s help in his studies. But his ego was too big to fix the cracks in their friendship even if that meant his grades sliding which filled him with more stubbornness and hate. Unknowingly and unwillingly, both started drifting apart. Akash’s grades started dropping slowly. Fights in relationships can be bad, but worse is silence riding on ego. Raghav tried to help but he realized that maybe he had pushed Akash too far away. The silence in their relationship seeped in slowly. The differences in the friendship cascaded into differences in the grades, the silence of words extended to silence of eyes and then finally to the silence in the memories. Raghav was getting the top grades and had become the most popular student in the school. Akash’s downslide continued, which unknowingly filled him with a lot of bitterness. The bitterness grew but what poisoned the friendship completely for Akash was when people started saying that Raghav was finally living his potential after getting out of that friendship. Not just teachers, people in society or friends but his own parents would say it. There was an ever-looming feeling that would never leave Akash’s guts – betrayal.
——————————-
‘Hey! I am stuck. Help me.’ Raghav shouted from inside. Akash recognized the voice at the first instance itself. He understood what was going on as the memories from his past flashed in front of him. It was the same toilet.
Raghav shouted again, ‘Hey.’ There was a pin drop silence outside as Akash continued standing silently.
‘You there? Come on. I heard you. What’s going on? Help me please.’
Akash knew perfectly well that Raghav didn’t hold any chance of coming out on his own. A smile floated on his lips as he stood there enjoying the screams of help coming from inside. But a part of him wasn’t convinced.
Why?
‘I am begging you. Please open the door.’ Raghav had broken down, beating the door like a paranoid.
Something stirred inside Akash. May be this was taking it a bit too far. The soothing effect of Raghav’s cries had started losing the relieving effect and had begun invoking sympathy.
‘Why wouldn’t you help me? What have I done to you? You are ruining my life.’
The steps of Akash which had almost come in motion, stopped immediately. The rage which had been suppressed for a moment, returned with a vengeance. ‘What have I done to you?’.’
Raghav continued beating the door, baffled by the silence of the person standing outside. He implored the outsider to help him. But then the unimaginable happened, he heard the footsteps going away from there. Raghav was stunned as he kept on screaming begging for help. It was gone.
Akash returned to the examination hall and took his seat. The faint voice that had pleaded him to do the right thing was gagged by his long-awaited vengeance.
For the next three hours, he tried to immerse himself in the exam sheet. He didn’t know the answers to half of the questions, but he kept on scribbling on his answer-sheet. The tip of his pen stopped a few times not just when he didn’t know the answer but also when he looked back at the empty chair of Raghav. Deep within something felt wrong but he wouldn’t let any guilt rise to the surface. And then he saw many of his classmates sneaking at Raghav’s seat, their eyes full of concern and surprise. Those were the same people who would laugh at his insults. Their worry for Raghav fueled his determination and kept any remorse at bay. Everybody knew that something must have been terribly wrong for Raghav to miss the exam. Akash didn’t find it too difficult to quell the rebellion of his conscience, as this was finally the chance bestowed upon him by the destiny to avenge the betrayal of Raghav.
After the final bell was struck marking the completion of exam, Akash looked at the empty seat of Raghav one more time. Akash wondered that he should be feeling happy and yet something pulled him in the opposite direction. The inner voice to set Raghav free now was growing stronger than his emotion to punish him more. He knew how scared Raghav would be, shattered maybe. And maybe that much punishment was enough for him. He stood up to go and help Raghav when he heard his classmates huddled at the front of the class.
‘Maybe he fell sick.’ A girl in the group said.
‘Even if he would have been dying, he would find a way to the examination hall.’ Another boy said.
‘Unbelievable that Raghav didn’t appear for the exam.’ A second boy spoke.
‘Study was all that mattered to him. No sports, no video games, no time wastes, he spent every moment studying.’ The girl said.
No time wastes. Akash stopped. Without looking at Raghav’s seat he left for his home.
———————-
That day Akash woke up late in the evening. Some noise outside in the street broke his sleep. He clumsily walked in the hall from his bedroom rubbing his eyes. His parents were going out in haste, something didn’t feel normal.
‘What are you up to?’ Akash walked to his mother.
‘We are going to Asha aunty’s place.’ Radha spoke with a choked voice. For the first time Akash realized that her eyes were full of tears.
‘Mom, what happened?’ Akash asked inquisitively.
‘Raghav…..he is no more….’
‘WHAT? Ho…?’
‘They found him locked inside a washroom in your school.’
Akash couldn’t move, couldn’t say anything. He just stood there like a statue, staring at his mother without blinking. A numbness was swiftly taking over his senses.
‘How can he die for being locked inside a washroom?’ Akash mustered some strength to whisper.
‘He had an asthma attack, and his inhaler was locked outside in his bag.’
For the first time he blinked as Raghav’s blue schoolbag flashed in front of his eyes. It was right there on the slab of the wash basin outside the washroom.
‘Do you want to come? Beta you should come, he was your friend once.’ Radha touched Akash’s cheek affectionately.
Akash’s father was observing and when he didn’t see any response he finally spoke with disappointment in his tone, ‘no need. If he wants to be so petty, let him be.’
Akash saw his parents leave. His father’s words continuously echoed in his ears, ‘he wants to be petty.’
He slowly walked to his room, peeking through his curtain at Raghav’s room where he could be seen studying always. There was a sea of people dressed in white outside his house while his room was empty. A wave of pain suddenly rushed to his heart as it felt as if his heart was shrinking. Looking at the empty chair of Raghav, out of millions of memories, a memory came to him – Raghav was sitting in his chair facing Akash who was sitting on his bed.
‘I don’t want to go out and just watch you play. And I don’t like you to just sit here with me when I know you want to go outside and play.’ Raghav picked up his inhaler, ‘this here is my reality. If we just accept it and stop behaving like we have to stick to our old way of friendship, then we don’t need to pretend with each other.’
‘If you don’t want us to pretend then just say the truth, you are liking all the attention because of your better grades. You don’t want to waste your time because I am not so good for your grades.’
‘What are you saying? If I had a choice between my old life and this life, what do you think I would have liked? But this inhaler is my truth, I just want you to accept it.’
Akash felt his knees trembling, too weak to carry him. The blue schoolbag from the morning flashed in his memory again and this time, he could also see the inhaler peeking from inside through that half open zip of the bag. Tears flowed from his eyes without his control as he dropped down on the bed.
‘This is just an excuse to cut me loose. You just don’t have the guts to say it to my face.’
‘I don’t know what I will have to do to prove it to you.’
Akash’s sobs echoed in that lonely room. The sunlight was retreating from his room, that warmth reminding him of those thousands of evenings from the childhood.