There is always that one person that inspires joy in your life, the smile on her face is so electric and full of life that a glance at her face could pump fresh blood in your heart. Happiness spills from her hopping steps and to cheer your heart all she needs to do is just be present. Feeling this way is rare and this rat race has made sure that this feeling would soon be extinct. So what do you do when you find a diamond shining beneath loads of dust, you try to keep it safe with you and that is all I tried do with you, Anika. Only if you ever understood my intentions.
Six long years have been passed since I first met you and yet my lungs have savored your fragrance like you are sitting right next to me. I remember your dress, the color of the buttons of your silky blouse, the band that tied your bouncing hairs, the length of your heels, and your sparkly nail paint. I could never forget the luckiest moment of my life when your eyes met mine, a moment for this ordinary world, for me my life refused to move further.
‘Hi,’ you talked to me for the first time in my life and I doubted if my jubilant heart would ever survive that conversation. May be I had scared you. May be my inability to stop beholding your sight had scared you. People made fun of me behind my back, loud enough for me to hear everything. I was the weirdo. The weird geek. Stares might be scary sometimes and I completely understand why you never said ‘hi’ to me again. But people never left you alone and I don’t understand crowds. I was ecstatic looking at you from my zone.
Your smile was missing one day and I too had heard that your name was on the list of employees to be fired that week. Apparently our company wasn’t making profits. Your smile was like a sunshine and your sadness was like a closed dark room, too small to even expand my chest to breathe. I was suffocating. I realized that numbness and desperation could be felt by a mind at the same time. I know, I lived up to my reputation that day, the weirdo. But, all I knew at that moment was I was too valuable for the company and they couldn’t afford to lose me if they wanted to survive. All I wanted was to cheer you that day and to wipe your name from that list. But all I caused you was embarrassment and I understand why you left your job after I threatened my boss to quit mine if he would fire you. Apparently nobody wants a weird geek to stand for her or to be a part of any gossip that involves him and after all those stares might be it was weirder than I thought. The moment you left, I felt as if my purpose of life was lost.
But being geek has its perks, your work could pull you out of any doom. My troubled mind discovered solace in my intense work. It was company’s faith in me or just another irony but the boss who I had threatened to save your job was himself fired that week and I was asked to replace him. Apparently there was another list that he himself didn’t know of. My craving to drown myself into infinite work didn’t let me refuse the promotion. I heard the rumor that I had forced the management to remove the boss out of some resentment from your exit. Like the management could be forced for anything by anyone. Later that month I heard that he tried to commit suicide but luckily he survived. Again I was being blamed for it behind my back but soon the only news doing the rounds was that I was the youngest man to lead that branch ever. Nobody ever made fun of me again loud enough for me to hear. And in next six months company was running just fine.
When I was not working, you would appear in my head, all smiling and sad at the same time. Guilt had cloaked my very existence and I didn’t want to forgive myself for losing you. My nightmares never ended even with my eyes wide open. Work was the only way to live that I knew of before you came into my life and work was the only way to survive that I could figure out after you left my life. I could never muster the courage to call you and apologize. I was scared, if I would speak to you anymore, I would ruin my chance with you forever. I never wanted to believe that I had already lost it. Hope of a better tomorrow drives our lives through murkiest times and mine was being driven by imagining a tomorrow with you.
My stars moved spaces and I finally saw you after six long months. Your serene beauty flashed my soul and your fidgeting eyes probably looking for your bus over that bus stand made my heart pound. Your sudden appearance numbed my senses and I lost the control over the brakes of my car ramming into the car in front of me. All my life I have been a coward but when that bulky man whose car I had rammed into grabbed me from my collar, I didn’t fear him. The only fear grappling my heart was if I lose you today it might be another six months before I could find you again. His slaps were too heavy yet surprisingly I didn’t feel anything except desperation to reach out to you. I pleaded him to let go off me but I think he was too indulged venting his frustration on a little guy. You were leaving and my restlessness was rising. I still couldn’t believe that I punched him in his face that day. I ran to the place you were standing but you were already gone. Disheartened, I returned to my car and to that bleeding bulky man, I saw something in his eyes that I identified immediately. Fear. For the first time ever I scared someone of that size or might be of any size. For all my life I knew what it felt to be scared. For all that I could say, you were capable to press some buttons to my dark side inside me. Before that I never knew I had a dark side.
For the next three months I would wait over that bus stand every evening, close enough so that I could see you and far enough so that you could never see me. At least I thought so until those policemen you called that evening caught me and charged me for stalking. I was shattered that day. How could you ever imagine that I can ever think of hurting you? Later police set me free with a warning but my faith had shaken to its core, imprisoning my conscience inside guilt or was it my love imprisoned inside my anger. My heart was a battleground of emotions that night. You gave hope to my grim life, how could I trouble you to the extent you had to call police? Was I really that weird and dumb to understand that there wasn’t any tomorrow with you? But how could you judge me even without giving me an opportunity? How could you not let me express myself even for once? That night my soul was being ripped into two halves by my guilt and my anger. It was the longest night of my life.
It has been five years since I have been in this prison and they say that these iron bars could erode any memory of outside, but I can’t forget that evening, I can’t stop living that evening day and night. Your body was lying in a pool of blood, writhing in pain for a few more seconds before you gave up on life. Your lifeless face was still spewing blood out of your mouth. Crowd surrounded me and when I pushed my way through them to see you, they started beating me. My numb mind couldn’t tell any pain. It was dark around as people kicked and punched me while I lied on the road next to the bus stand where you used to wait every evening. I could listen to the honks of the stopped traffic and I could listen to people shouting out loud that how I had pushed you in front of the bus. I had closed my eyes to see you inside my heart because you were not there outside anymore. I had managed to shove both the letters deep inside my pocket. That was supposedly our last and the longest communication ever. I couldn’t lose them. Last thing I remember was a heavy sole smashing my head into the road before I blacked out. I regained my consciousness in a hospital surrounded by doctors and policemen. Within a moment that evening rushed back to me and all I could do was to pray that it was another nightmare of a life without you. That time, it wasn’t. I was charged with your murder and I accepted the verdict. I remember the headline from a newspaper the other day – ‘Regional Manager of Genesys ltd confesses to the murder of the girl.’
The pain I carry in my heart is unimaginable for anyone and with my inability to express myself like I could never express you my love, it is a burden to be borne by me forever. My sentence does help me to shred pinches of guilt off the mountain crushing my conscience but that is not enough. I read the two letters thousands of times every day. Whenever I touch the letter you gave me that evening all the memories race back to my mind.
After the tempest inside me was settled that night, I waited for hours the next evening over that bus stand to end things with you forever. Without you all my love was pointless. And if you had to resort to police against me then there were no ‘you’ in my worthless tomorrow. When you finally appeared, I saw tears in your eyes while you were walking towards the bus stand, all lost. All I ever wanted was to never let any tears fall from your eyes and yet somehow I was the reason for you tears. Or at least I thought so till that moment. I slowly walked to you and when my voice yanked you out of your thoughts, I hallucinated you smiling at me. I would always remember your words, ’So God isn’t all unfair. If you are man enough just pay for your sins. Pay for ruining my life.’ Before I could comprehend anything, you shoved a letter in my hand and held my hands against your shoulders while I stood dumbstruck. And then the unimagined happened, you jumped under the bus you were supposed to board. Everybody around perceived that incident exactly the way you had painted it – I had pushed you under the bus. I was shocked to my core, unable to move. In no time I was beaten up to pulp. Fortunately the police never found those letters and it wasn’t before the next day that I finally got the chance to read your letter – ‘I am ending my misery forever. With Rakesh gone I don’t intend to live anymore. My whole life is ruined by that weird geek who has stalked and stared me everywhere. First he had the audacity to threaten my fiancé to leave the organization if I was fired from the company and humiliate me and my relationship. But when I left the job to save my self-respect and the embarrassment, it wasn’t enough for him. He stole my fiancé’s job to get back at us. With so many loans on Rakesh he couldn’t bear the extreme pressure, he broke down and tried to end his life. I don’t know God was merciful or cruel to us as Rakesh’s attempt to end his life failed and he ended in coma. It has been months since I have been begging before everyone to arrange money for his treatment and keep him alive. He was the love of my life. But today he left me alone with all this pain that is too big for me to survive. God if you are just then make that man pay for his sins. He robbed me of all my happiness.’
By the time I finished your suicide note I had made up my mind to pay for all your pain that I had caused to you. I know I can’t do that but I would make myself suffer every day to keep your last wish. After all that is the only thing you have ever asked me. The only regret that stays with me for the rest of my life is that even I had a letter for you that evening that could never reach you. I read it to you daily because I feel if someday you can hear me and forgive me in my heart, I would be able to die in peace.
Let me read it to you once more – ‘Anika, I can’t be more sorry if I have troubled you ever. I can only tell you that it was never my intention. I have always loved you and want you to be happy. But now I know that I can never make you happy. Forgive me and consider me gone forever from your life. At least I would be able to make you happy in some way.’